I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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