atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
