he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize