Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
