Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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