well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
