I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
They have beer where we have blood.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
