I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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