we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
