Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
