I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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