so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
