that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
