go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize