yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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