Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
