Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
