at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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