I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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