Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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