Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
