You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
