I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You're like the curious george of whores
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
