If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize