Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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