Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Maybe he injected his testicle?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
