My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize