Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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