last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
