I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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