if you like me you must not know who I am
Pants 0. Shit 1.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
