How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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