I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
