Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
