what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What drink are we having for lunch?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
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