How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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