i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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