i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
