I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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