I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
