FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
