My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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