I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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