I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Can I color on your dick again?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
