I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
