i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize