If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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