the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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