I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize