Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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