I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
