allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
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