Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
