Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
