I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize