The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
