I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
