I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
