I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my sisters under your porch take her home
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
