Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
